Just a thought pile
Last time I posted here it was almost two months ago and I said "My post break-up spiral seems to finally be leveling out" and it was true, for like two days, and then I spiraled right back down. Am I better now? somewhat. I've been trying really hard to pull myself up. So I thought I'd look back at the last posts and see what I did, what I didn't and so on. Mostly cause I need to put some order in my bain and I don't know where to start.
THIS POST IS GONNA BE LONG AND CHAOTIC
Here's the plan: today I'm not doing anything but trying to get my braincells in a row. I will start with looking through my spiral posts ( one, two, three ), my tumblr ( charoncat) cause that's the main place where I felt like I could post, my Obsidian Vaults where I started stuff and never finished it and, if I'm feeling brave enough, I'll tackle de pile of notes and trash I have scattered around my room.
I'm gonna try and write checklist items at each paragraph and maybe organise them later, but also write down the things that I did manage to achive because I need to see it.
Before any of this even happened I already had some ideas about reorganising the blog so the first post is just me trying to keep going with what I was doing while also losing my mind. I gave up on it fast though.
Things this reminds me I wanna do:
[ ] reformat my blog with pages for music
[ ] add selfies to my about page
[ ] I am still not done with migrating my Cara pictures to my blog grid
I'm gonna take the second, and third post together cause they feed of eachother so much.
TUMBLR AND SOCIAL MEDIA
Getting back on tumblr was one of the best decisions I've made during this time. I got to blow off steam, doomscroll and actually engage with community and make new friends. I doubled down on rejecting the other social media platforms too. I did a big cleanup of what was left on my facebook, I weened myself off Instagram completely. I just use them once or twice per day to check on things I wanna check, and I'm out. It takes like 2 minutes and that's all.
And then I made a Discord....holy overwhealm. I have notifications but I'm not opening them cause I don't have the mental space to do so.
Things I wanna do:
[ ] do a big cleanup of my Insta account
[ ] lightly organise my tumblr so I can search for my shit easier.
[ ] try to get used to Discord.
WORKING OUT AND WALKS
I've been so inconsistent with them. Did push myself to do some long walks but the workouts are lagging behing. I have trouble getting myself out of bed as it is, the thought of working out makes me want to cocoon back in my bed even more. But I hate it, cause not doing them makes my dysphoria worse. It's such a stupid vicious circle.
[ ] Figureout a new workput schedule/routine that doesn't feel so intimidating.
STAIGDIN
I have completely ignored it. I did no story development, no worldbuildong, no pixel art, no game mechanics, I'm behind on my programming course. Nothing.
[ ] pick up the programmig course again
[ ] make list of sprites and backgrounds, organise it and start chipping away
[ ] fill out those conversion tables
[ ] map out the timeline
[ ] sketch out the character designs
PAX MAGENTA
I actually managed to work on this a bit. I have half the draft for the first chapter on my phone, I setup a development book and filled out bits and pieces, I designed the Space Needle, figured out how to set up the blog to integrate the worldbuilding seamlessly, I have ideas for the avatars.
[ ] sketch out the avatars
[ ] finish the first chapter
[ ] set up the blog pages
[ ] fill out the dev book
[ ] reorganise the bullshit I have in the Obsdian Vault for it
[ ] write the timeline outline
DIGITAL CHAOS
In the last post I also mention sorting out my digital chaos. I haven't really. So I'm just gonna list what I need to do off the top of my head.
[ ] clean up my email inbox
[ ] clean up my phone camera
[ ] clean up the downloads folder
[ ] burn a billion disks
[ ] reorganise my hardrives
[ ] reorganise my Obsidoan Vaults
SEWING (AND TUMBLR)
I'm taking these two together because sewing is the one hobby that I managed to actually do and I posted a lot of it on tumblr. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna go look at my account and note down the noteworthy stuff, which will probably be just sewing achivements.
- "I sacrificed a fishnet top to fix my BVB and MCR shirts and thought I couldn't get more emo than that. Then I took a break to go put black box dye on my hair.The realization only hit me when I was ass up above the tub washing my hair."
- I tried to get back into reading but I failed.
- made six new binders for myself.
- made a frankevest from fabric scraps. I still have to do some detail on it and then I wanna do a photoshoot for it.
- finally bought makeup and redid my ghost tour warpaint. Mainly to practice it cause I wanna wear it at the BVB convert in February but also cause I was trying to pull myself out of my head. It somewhat worked. I like the pictures I took of myself that night.
- I almost let my Duolingo streak break cause I couldn't focus enough for it for a few days (long live the streak freezes)
- My bonsai died unfortunately cause I couldn't mobilise myselfenough to water it
- I ordered a needle pendant from NTIO cause I love the song it's connected to but also cause the needle is such a symbolic thing for me. Both because I love to sew but because of transition and putting myself back together too. It still hasn't arrived cause out of EU shipping is a nightmare...so much paperwork.
- I finished my quilted blanket.
- I started the large quilted BVB patch for my coat. This is the current thing I'm working on right now.
- I cleaned out my closet and fabric stash.
- I started working on a sketch for the next quilt.
TO DO:
[ ] make a pinned intro post for tumblr
[ ] make a blog post about the process of fixing the MCR and BVB shirts
[ ] continue reading "It's not a cult" by Joey Batey
[ ] make blog post about the binders.
[ ] finish detailing frankenvest, do photoshoot and blog about it.
[ ] make list of things to put on Vinted.
[ ] make blog post about the quilted blanket.
[ ] make blog post about the BVB patch.
[ ] deep clean. My place is such a mess.
Alright, so going through tumblr jogged my memory this far.
Now for the most chaotic part. I'm just gonna go through my stuff and jot down things.
Right off the bat the corkboard above my desk is giving me anxiety, I am afraid to even look in the notebook I used for planning. I know it cuts abruptly before August, has a few pages of just breakdown scribbles and a whole backlog of shit I was supposed to do but never did. And then there's the skechbooks and the mess of loose random notes on papers everywhere.
[ ] Do something about the Streetlamp Shadows project
[ ] Plan Bucharest trip
[ ] Pick up planning shit again
[ ] Transfer the loose sketches to the appropiate skechbooks
[ ] Make lists of studies I wanna make
[ ] Make list of the illustration projects I started and never finnished
[ ] get all the random worlbuilding notes not related to my main project and copy them in the sketchbook
[ ] make list of the clothes that need mending/modifying (leather vest, priest shirt, at least two tshirts, coat needs a pauldron fixed, red jeans need bigger pockets)
[ ] pick up my camera again
Is this everything? probably not. But it feels good to just braindump everything. Now I gotta take all of these and organise them in something that makes a little bit of sense. I'm still eyeing my planner...not sure if I feel comfortable going back in it or I just need to start the next one. I'm not making any promises to myself of how I'm gonan handle this.
Send me a bird